When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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