I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
