She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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