Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
