if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
