there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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