We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
