i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she peed on how many people?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
