Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
