Your face is a jimmy john
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
