Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
