Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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