So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
