You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize