Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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