she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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