4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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