mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You pole danced in your parka.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
