You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
