Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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