my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
