Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He's on the porch naked. Help.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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