and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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