if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize