eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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