You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
