Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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