Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
soo... how was my night?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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