Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
