Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
