Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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