i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
