why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
