The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
