just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
A+ Viking dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
