the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you had me at cake vodka
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
