remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
