guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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