People in love make me want to vomit
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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