I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
