Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
