I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
