You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
