I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
