u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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