I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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