Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
