I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
