I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
