White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
