apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
