People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
