I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
