uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
