anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
