I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
