Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
