My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
