Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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