I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
