Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
